A Very Personal Post
We planned to have a second child. So once we found out I was expecting we were both very excited. She was due with perfect timing. Our son would be starting school in September, I would have two months to 'myself' to prepare for our new arrival. We were choosing not to find out the sex of our baby, we enjoyed the surprise the first time and wanted the same this time around.
At my 12 week appointment I had recorded on our iPhone a very strong heart beat. I can't count how many times I had listened to that most beautiful sound.
At my routine midwife appontment for my 18 week check up, my student midwife could not find the heart beat that had been so strong and steady the last time. Then my midwife checked and could also not find it. I hadn't been worried. But once the appointment was done I opted to go get an ultra sound done. Something we had chosen not to do (unless of course it was thought necessary). Because it had been considered an emergency ultra sound I was not shown the screen to see my baby, nor was my dear husband allowed in the room. The nurse gave no indication either way, as she was not supposed to. So, we went home and waited for the results from my midwife.
I got the call. It was the worst phone call in my entire life. Nothing could have been more heart wrenchingly painful. She told me the most horrible news, that I had lost our dear loved one. I had miscarried at 17 weeks 2 days. I was nearly half way through my pregnancy. I could not answer my midwifes questions. My world had gone black. My husband walked by and all I could do was hand him the phone. Once he got off the phone, he forced his way into the washroom where I had barricaded myself. He just let my cry. I'm not sure how long we stood there crying. He made me go out and hug my mom and cry with her. I thank God that she was there (she lives in Halifax).
I chose to be induced. I had a few options, but this was what I chose. It's what my heart told me was right for me. I was in the hospital for about two days. The nurses and doctors at the hospital were truly wonderful given my circumstances. They were very supportive emotionally. I was in the lead in thems of what I wanted to happen. So once she was born they took her out of the room until I was ready. My husband and I just sat and cried together. I can't express to you have emotionally gut wrenching it is to go through all that, and not come home with your cherished baby. (I'm sure there are many women out there who do know this pain)
Once we were ready they brought in our daughter. Before they brought her in they told me we had had a little girl. So she was wrapped in pink. I got to hold her and see her sweet face. This helped me. To see my daughter. It was very hard to see her and hold her. But I'm glad I chose to do so. It has helped me heal. I also chose to get a photograph of her as well. I have made an out fit for her, and will be putting everything into a keep sake box. She will never be forgotten by myself, family or God. She will always be in my heart. I know I will see her and hold her again.
I am by far a long way from being okay. I have a long way to go in my greiving. This is partly why I chose to write such an intimate post so publically.
In loving memory of